My first boyfriend.

There was a boy in Mrs. Tassiello's 3rd grade class, at Howard Wasden Elementary that I loved. His name was Brock Burns. Brock was a handsome, four foot nothing nine year old, with wavy black hair. His nickname was broccoli, but that didn't matter. Brock was the funniest boy in our class, and a peer mediator. He was perfect.

We would drive under freeway overpasses every day on our way to Howard Wasden, and every day I would hold my breath and make a wish. That wish was always, "please, please, please let Brock have a crush on me."

My wish came true on Valentine's day. While I was placing my Care Bears valentine's (from Albertson's) into a variety of shoe boxes disguised as mail boxes, Brock was gingerly setting a card and single red rose, wrapped in a paper towel, on my desk. I was overjoyed, but my face reflected the kind of indifference only a lady knows how to display. When I got to my desk, I noticed that Brock's card was not your average valentine. No, it was full-size greeting card. No other girl in class had a full-size card. Expensive gifts, Brock already knew the way to my heart. Inside the card read:

Dear Caitlin S,

Would you be my valentine?

Your secret admirer,

Brock

And just like that, we were an item. It came time for recess and me, wanting to impress my new suitor, climbed all the way to the top of the jungle gym. I was sitting on the pole right above the swinging rings, when the bell rang signaling the end of recess. I panicked. I had no idea how to get down. I was stuck and as I looked around for some kind of help, there was Brock, standing beneath me, arms open wide. He yelled at me to jump, that he would catch me. Mortified I said no, but at the same time I was terrified to be late for class. My heart started to pound as I weighed my options, and eventually decided that jumping off a pole six feet above my rescuer was a good idea.

All 65 pounds of me hit him square in the chest. I lifted my head, mouth full of sand, and saw Brock start to cry. Humiliated, I jumped up and ran back to class.

Brock and I broke up as soon as he caught his breath and finished wiping his tears.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I ruined my first relationship. I haven't tried to literally squish a boyfriend since then, but sometimes I think that the full force of my personality and opinions can be compared to having an eight year old land on top of you.